Being abandoned by someone you loved, trusted, or counted on isn’t just upsetting. It’s devastating. Find out what kind of trauma abandonment causes long-term and how you can heal from it.
Being abandoned can be so devastating, it causes changes that follow you throughout life. Some people downplay it, saying that YOU have issues and should just “get over it”, but the truth is, it isn’t that easy. Abandonment trauma stays with you until you tackle it head on. Join SpiritualBlossom to find out what abandonment trauma is and what it can do to you. Find out if the people who blame trauma victims for the way they feel are onto something or not. Then find out how you can heal from abandonment trauma. If you’re ready to heal from the trauma somebody else caused, read on and get started.
What is Abandonment?
To abandon someone means to completely leave them. This is especially true when they need you for something. Parents abandon their children and don't take care of them. Caretakers will abandon the people who are reliant on them for care. You might still be there with them, but you might just not meet their needs. They may not need you to take care of them, but you might emotionally abandon them, neglecting the relationship. Some people can live together for a very long time, but one member of the relationship will abandon the relationship and be completely complacent, ignoring the other person.
However the abandonment happens, the person who is doing the abandoning basically leaves someone without the support, care, or protection that they need them for. Being completely deserted by someone who you need can create physical, psychological, or emotional hardship. People who feel rejected by someone who they love also experience a feeling of abandonment. Some people will see the abandonment coming and try to prevent it by begging, being clingy, or even being manipulative to try and get someone to stay. Some people are completely blindsided and don't realize that it's coming until it happens. Being abandoned can throw your whole life into chaos, but there is hope. Find out how to have inner peace during chaos: Inner Calm in the Midst of Chaos
What is Abandonment Trauma?
Abandonment trauma starts as a primal reaction to being abandoned. Human beings are programmed to work together to ensure safety, wellbeing, and general good health to ensure survival. We are stronger together than we are alone. Being abandoned sets off fear because you understand that being alone is dangerous. You may have gone without the help or resources you needed when you were abandoned. Even if no physical harm came to you, it is possible that emotionally you were hurt very badly.
Some people call abandonment trauma abandonment issues. It's fear that people are going to leave you. This typically happens because someone already did and you worry that it's going to happen again. It can make you engage in destructive behaviors or just make you worry constantly. You might try to avoid attaching to people because you don't want to be abandoned again. You might also hold on to people the minute you meet them. If you developed your abandonment trauma because of being left by someone who you needed instead of just someone who you wanted in your life, your physical and emotional needs were not taken care of. So, you may have had to learn to take care of yourself.
Children can't always meet their own physical needs, and emotionally, their development is different if they do not have parents who they can trust. You may come to expect everyone to behave that way if the first people who you were emotionally attached to betrayed you like this. Parents aren't the only ones who abandon people who count on them. Friends, spouses, family members, and significant others can abandon people too. Some people even abandon their pets sometimes. Can you talk to your pets? Find out how here: Is Your Dog Taking? Communicating with Animals
What Abandonment Trauma Does to Us
Abandonment trauma does different things to us. When you're traumatized from being abandoned you may develop a general distrust of everyone, and want to self-isolate. On the other hand, you may become codependent and whether you're codependent or self-isolate, have attachment anxiety. You might jump in and out of relationships quickly, neglect yourself, or have self-esteem issues, blaming yourself for being abandoned. You might either become a people pleaser or emotionally withhold from relationships.
Distrust of People
You may develop a distrust of all people in general when you experience abandonment trauma because you are afraid that everyone might abandon you. It is understandable when your emotions are first raw from the trauma and when you are getting to know someone, but not just everyone is untrustworthy, Remember that.
Self-Isolation
Some people decide that since they had to take care of themselves after being abandoned, they won't need anybody else again. They may avoid relationships, or have a few close knit relationships and avoid social gatherings, groups, and as much contact with people who they don't know as possible. Going within to consult your inner self is not the same as isolating and you can learn how to listen to your inner voice here: Being Intuitive-Trusting Your Inner Voice
Codependency
Abandonment trauma can lead you to attach too much to other people because you want to fill the space of emptiness that abandonment created. You may have separation anxiety, not wanting to be alone under any circumstances, you may refuse to go anywhere alone, or you may need to surround yourself with people day and night so you don't feel abandoned.
Attachment Anxiety
On the other hand, you might be terrified of being emotionally attached to anyone. It might make you feel safe because if you're not attached to anyone, you can't be abandoned again. Crystals help some people with anxiety and you can learn all about that here: The Best Stones for Anxiety
Relationship Jumping
You might jump into relationships very quickly to make up for feeling abandoned, and then the slightest thing that goes wrong makes you want to end the relationship completely. You may start cutting someone off before they get a chance to abandon you. Jumping in and out of relationships quickly like this is called relationship jumping and it can keep you from ever establishing long term relationships.
Self-Neglect
Being abandoned by someone who you needed to take care of you can mean that your physical needs were not met. You may have had to learn to do things for yourself and you didn't learn to do them well. So, your hygiene, eating habits, sleeping habits, or any other form of personal care can suffer. Never neglect finding balance in life. Find out more here: How to Maintain Stability in Your Life
Self-Esteem Issues
Soft esteem issues can develop as a result of being abandoned because you might blame yourself. You might wonder if something is wrong with you and that's why someone didn't love you enough to take care of you the way that they should have. This can make you believe that you don't deserve better and either shy away from relationships or accept relationships from toxic people.
People Pleasing
You might go out of your way to do things for people, thinking that if you make people happy with you, you will never be abandoned again. You can do this to the point of overcompensating and being taken advantage of by them. On the flip side of being pleased is being disappointed. Find out how to deal with letdowns here: Facing Disappointment-Coping with Life’s Letdowns
Withholding from Relationships
You might maintain relationships, but hold back emotionally, flake out so that you don't feel too attached, or keep your feelings hidden. This can make you feel safe, because if you don't emotionally attach too much, and you do the minimum in your relationships, it can make you feel like you're not too emotionally invested. Just in case they abandon you, that is.
Is Being Traumatized a Choice?
Some people say that we can always choose how we react to something. We have a choice to be emotionally upset or not, they insist. They say that if you're hurt by what somebody does, that means that you want to be hurt instead of ignoring the hurtful things that happened. Not only is this untrue, it's victim shaming. When you are vulnerable, and the person who you trusted to protect and nurture you failed you by abandoning you, how can it not hurt? How can you not feel betrayed? How can you have no emotional reaction whatsoever? You can choose some of your behaviors that you respond with, but choosing to not be hurt is impossible.
Why would somebody insist that we choose to be traumatized? Maybe they’re afraid of experiencing abandonment trauma even though they haven't already, and they believe they can protect themselves from it. Maybe they have abandoned someone and they don't want to feel guilty. Maybe they just talk too much and they have no idea what they're saying. It doesn't matter why. They’re wrong. Don't listen to them. Our beliefs don't create reality. That they can create unrealistic expectations and views that we operate under. Learn about the power of belief here: What Happens When You Believe? Why it Matters
Healing from Abandonment Trauma
Abandonment trauma is not unusual, it's understandable, and you're not wrong to feel traumatized when you've been abandoned. That doesn't mean that you have to deal with the trauma for the rest of your life. It just means that you do have to tackle it head on so that it doesn't compromise your relationships going forward. There are seven simple steps to healing from abandonment trauma. First, you have to recognize what happened and allow yourself to grieve. Shift the blame where it belongs- to whoever was guilty of it. Be self aware of what you're doing in response to the abandonment and then practice self-care. Be patient and gentle with yourself. Healing takes time.
Recognize What Happened
Some people encourage you to ignore what happened and move on with your life. However, that's not possible, especially if you want to heal. You have to recognize and understand what happened. You have to acknowledge that you were abandoned, and that it hurt. You also have to acknowledge what happened to you as a result of being abandoned. If your physical needs weren't met, you have to acknowledge all the issues that that created. If you were left emotionally empty, you have to process that too.
Allow Grief
Grief hurts. It takes time. It exhausts you, and it would be nice if we never had to deal with it. To heal, you have to grieve because you have to fully experience the emotional repercussions of what the trauma did to you, and sort through those feelings, accepting them for what they are before you can move past them. Everybody grieves. It's just a part of being human.
Establish Boundaries
It is extremely important to set boundaries with other people and yourself. When you recognize indications that someone new might abandon you, set boundaries with them, and don't allow yourself to become vulnerable to them. You should also allow yourself to be vulnerable to the right people, setting a boundary with yourself to not thank everybody on earth will abandon you.
Blame The Guilty Parties
Some people say that we should forgive and immediately forget everything that happened and resume relationship privileges no matter how badly someone treated us. That's not helpful for healing. The people who abandoned you can be called out, held accountable, and cut off permanently if that makes you feel better. Just remember, they are the ones who did this to you and nobody else.
Be Self-Aware
Be fully aware of the coping mechanisms that you have been using to try and emotionally protect yourself. Have you become codependent and overly clingy with everyone who you meet to try and compensate for how alone the abandonment made you feel? Have you become radically independent, telling yourself and everyone else that you don't need anybody? Have you, on the other hand, established healthy boundaries and only allowed yourself to be vulnerable to people who have proven that you can trust? Pay attention to what you're doing while you're healing.
Practice Self-Care
What makes you feel better and helps you with healing? That's what you need to be doing. Does it help you to confront the person who abandoned you or to completely step away from them? Does it help you to share your story with other people or keep it more private, sharing only with the therapist? Does spending time with people who are more alone than you felt when you were abandoned help? Does connecting with people you trust help? Whatever makes you feel better while you're healing is self-care and that's what you need to do.
Give It Time
The most important part of healing is patience. You won't understand that the terrible abandonment that happened to you is in the past, immediately. This comes over time. After you have emotionally processed everything that happened, allowed yourself to grieve, and physically done things that you need to feel better, then healing will happen. Don't let flashbacks, which some people think of as emotional setbacks, make you worry that you will never heal. Healing and moving on isn't the same thing as completely forgetting what happened. Healing will happen.
Abandonment can happen to anybody at and if it happens to you, it's not your fault. Somebody failed you, and that’s their fault. This can make you worry that everybody else will abandon you too. You can create healthy coping mechanisms when this happens, but you don't have to be that way for the rest of your life. You can heal from abandonment trauma one step at a time, and walk forward into healthier relationships. You're worth it.
Would you like someone to talk to about your abandonment trauma? We are here all day, every day, so don't hesitate to reach out.
About the Author: Lady Saoirse has studied magic and lore for most of her life but started walking her own Magical Path after being spiritually reborn in the desert. Today she is a High Priestess for The Temple of the Goddess, she is a psychic advisor and spiritual counselor, she shares her gifts as a Psychic and Content Writer for Mysticsense and SpiritualBlossom, and she writes for PaganPages.Org emag and Green Egg Magazine.
